50 things I’m not allowed to do in Hogwarts
I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are “covered in bees”.
No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra credit project for Herbology”.
"I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name" is not a challenge.
I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
I will not go to class skyclad.
The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.
I will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful”.
Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.
If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
Adding the name “Bueller” to Professor Binns’ roster is not funny.
"Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.
I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.
I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.
The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not “Rocky Horror.”
It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that “Once you go Black, you never go back.”
I will not call Lucius Malfoy “Jareth”.
I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium”.
I will not tell Ron and Hermione to “Get a room” whenever they start to fight.
The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
I am not a tribble Animagus.
I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
I do not weigh the same as a duck.
Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
Sirius Black is not #24601.
I will not lick Trevor.
I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
I am not being repressed.
Calling Lucius Malfoy “Luscious Mouthful” is just plain gross.
I will not change the password to the prefects’ bath to “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.
There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
I am not a Pinball Wizard.
Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.
I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say “NI”.
I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.
I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”
There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.